Blog Archives

Well, here we are. A brand new year brimming with squishy possibilities. Once that shiny ball in Times Square dropped it was like the last 365 days of waiting for the world to end living day to day were wiped clean. Gone. New slate.

So this is the time we make resolutions. Sure, we’ll break most of them in the first month, but that’s ok because now—right now—is a special time when the world is bright and full of possibility.

It’s with that spirit in mind that I present the nine things that we should, definitely, assuredly, absolutely avoid in 2013. Resolutions? More like persecution, right? RIGHT?

Moving on.

9 Writing Resolutions to Avoid in 2013

1. Only Write When Inspired.

I’m guilty of this as much as anyone. Sure, I should be writing to today but I’m just so…blah. There’s nothing in the tank. Nothing stirring in the down under. What’s the point?

The point, dear friends, is writing waits for no man. Your next great story is sitting there, right down in your kidney, bursting to be set free (I recommend going to the bathroom first), and if you’re not going to force yourself to hit that keyboard it’s going to fester and die. If you’re waiting for your muse to show up and kick you in the crotch, you’re going to be waiting a long, long time (and really, why are you waiting to get kicked in the crotch anyway?).

2. Write the Great American Novel

This is all Salinger’s fault. He went and wrote the elusive ”great american novel” on his first try. Consequently, there’s a whole generation of wordsmiths sitting at their computer, hot chocolate in hand, gearing up to write the seminal work of fiction. The one that changes it all. The one that inspires a new generation of writers. The next century’s “Finding Forester.”

Malarkey.

Sure, Catcher in the Rye was Salinger’s first novel, and it wasn’t half bad. But it’s easy to forget that he had a dozen short stories under his belt before he decided to write a book.

Now days it’s easier than ever to sling that word-crack; you don’t have to be a novelist to be a successful writer. Before you (and I, dear friends. And I) lock ourselves in a room and break our brains on a book, dammit, try something short first.

Short stories are a lot easier to burn than novels.

3. Only Share My Work with Family

The publishing world is a cold, dark place filled with soulless agents and blood-sucking ad-men looking to steal my word-cash. Even worse, they’re sitting out there just waiting to reject me.

You know who doesn’t reject me? My mom. She loves my writing. You know who else? My dog. Hell, my four-year-old may not understand all the words, but she  still thinks I’m the greatest human being to walk the earth (as long as Mom isn’t awake. I always lose to Mom). And as long as I let them take first stab at my writing I’ll always be filled with sweet, sweet acceptance.

Sure, I’ll never publish, but that’s over-rated anyway.

4. Read Nothing But My Genre

The New Year is a great time to step out of your comfort zone and try something new. Something scary. Something like Women’s Literary Fiction. Or  Urban Crime Thrillers. Maybe even Cat Detectives (how can you resist? They’re so darn furry).

Anything but your brand of choice.

Hey, I know—it’s great to focus on your novel genre. You need to know the giants in your field, right? But writer beware, because if you swim too long in your own genre pool you’ll eventually get some stunted word babies (and prune fingers).

And no one likes typing with prune fingers.

5. Watch More Movies

I had a baby this year (my wife was involved in some way, but it was mostly me) and missed out on some sweet movies consequently. I had to catch the Avengers six months after theater release like some kind of savage.

Not this year, baby. Never again.

Now, I could use the time to write instead. I could. It’s possible. I live in that universe. But what’s more important, really? Finishing the  first draft of my novel, or standing in line for three hours to see Iron Man 3 on release day?

I think we all know who wins that fight.

6. Quit My Job and Follow My Passion

Wow, this is a loaded one.

On the one had, you have Julia Roberts. She quit her job being a famous, awesome journalist, and look how it worked out? She traveled the globe for a year scarfing down spaghetti and frolicking with oiled-up French Men.

Now, on the other had you have reality. Cold, hard, the-IRS-is-watching, reality. Sure, we’d all love to spend a vacation with Javier Bardem, but is quitting your job to become a writer the smartest move right now? Reality suggests otherwise. Reality suggests that instead of dining on rich Italian food you’re more likely to consume a dangerous quantity of Ramen Noodles.

Instead of lounging on the beach, drinking mojitos and watching your novel break the Amazon top five, you’re probably going to be at Starbucks, stuffed in the corner, balancing your laptop and your soy latte on one knee while a nanny tries to wrangle five ADHD children into ordering their drinks.

And lets not forget healthcare. That’s a whole other blog.

7. Write in Marathon Sessions

I can hear what you’re thinking: “But I did eight hour writing sessions during NaNoWriMo and I came out just fine!”

No. Trust me. You didn’t.

Yes, you (and I, my good friend. Always I) spent some heady days during the month of November locking ourselves in a bedroom with nothing but a bowl of M&Ms and way too much French Roast. Only to emerge a day later, word-count triumphantly in hand, reeking of stale chocolate and burnt coffee.

But November is one month. We’re talking about a whole year of resolutions. It’s not practical (or healthy) to write in eight hour increments. It might feel great at the time, but more likely than not you’ll find yourself drained the next week and unable to look at a computer without getting the caffeine shakes.

It’s best to stick to the old adage: “An hour a day keeps the word-ghouls away.”

8. Buy That New Laptop

As a rule, writer’s are easily dis—

Squirrel!

Ah-hem.

Writer’s are like children at DisneyWorld. Overexcited and in need of a nap every four hours. We especially like shiny things. The newer the better. And we can’t write without them.

I need that new laptop. My book will finally be perfect if I get the fastest processor. Sure, I can technically write on my current computer, but it doesn’t have face unlock technology. I know I’ll be inspired if I get the new Inspiron.

Well, you’re never going to quit that day job and travel with Julia Roberts if you keep wasting your money on frivolities. So close that NewEgg tab and just say no.

There’ll be a better one next month.

9. Stop Querying. It’s a Waste of Time

Ah, here we go. My favorite.

This year we should all just stop querying agents and publishers. I mean, look at all the time involved. I have to look up each agent, follow each crazy, Draconian submission guideline, then I have to wait two weeks to hear back.

No more.

If an agent doesn’t respond to my query within the first day with a reasoned, thoughtful letter showing they read my full three chapters and took the time to appreciate the novel’s imagery and ground-breaking characters, I’m going to cross them off my list. Sorry, Mr. Agent. You don’t get to appreciate my genius any more.

That’ll teach them.

***************************************************

Image credits:

“Happy New Year 2013“ Creative Commons via ell brown

“Dark Knight Line“ Creative Commons via ste3ve

All other images courtesy of stock.xchang